Here Comes The Pain!!

When Championship Sunday was over and done with one week ago, I was left with a hollow feeling inside. The eventual winner of Super Bowl XLII was going to be a team I detested. There was no way around it. It was like choosing between being a contestant on Rock of Love or being Canadian. There are no winners.

So for the next couple days I just sat around in the dark, trying to digest the fact that the 2007 NFL season was dead to me. Let’s get the combine started!

Even the halftime show this year has gone backwards after being cool for one year. Last year, Prince lived up to his reputation and put on an amazing show. Have you seen the lineup for this year’s halftime and pre-game?

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I liked them a lot when I was younger, but to be honest, I thought TP was dead.

Paula Abdul. Not sure what she’s going to do, but it better not be singing.

Kylie Minogue. Our only chance for a little halftime peep show.

Soulja Boy. If this is who I think this is, I’ll be getting drunk a lot earlier than expected.

Jordin Sparks. In case you haven’t realized it yet, the game is being aired on Fox.

But this past Friday, something happened. I was in my car listening to WFAN in New York and I heard some guy from Bayonne call in (Benny or Sal or something like that) and I realized this is the New Jersey Giants we are talking about.

The Patriots are a bunch of loud, crass, cheap, cocky, eye poking, knee rolling, supermodel dating, HGH using cheats.

And I hope they beat the Giants by 50.

I’m not really sure where my head was at for those first couple of days. I was bummed out. I had lost myself. Strayed from the path.

But Tony from Manalapan snapped me out of it. Hearing these morons renewed my sense of true hatred. Choosing between the Cowboys and the Giants is a lose-lose. But the Giants and Patriots? What was I thinking?

Eli and his eggshell of a psyche. Michael Strahan and his ridiculous lisp. Plaxico and his ability to pushoff with the best of the cheaters. All these guys for going to schools that stress education (Jim Finn-Penn, Kevin Boothe-Cornell, Zak DeOssie-Brown). What do you think you’re smarter than me? Nerds.

I’m not stopping there. Amani Toomer for just not going away. And for going to Michigan. Madison Hedgecock for having a ridiculous name. R.W. McQuarters. His real first name? Rachel. Kawika Mitchell for not understanding his ethnicity.

Guy Whimper for being an 6’5, 300 pound offensive lineman named Whimper. Jeff Feagles for getting paid to kick a football since I was in the 7th grade. For Jeremy Shockey for being the MOST OVERRATED TIGHT END IN FOOTBALL. (Don’t even argue it Giants’ fans. You know I’m right.)

For the Crunch Bunch. I giggle just hearing it. Worst. Nickname. Ever. For Brad Benson. Your dealership stinks. For Phil McConkey. Just because.

And for Tom Coughlin for being a bum of a coach for the past decade and never winning anything. But because he’s part of the old boy’s network, he kept getting a job. And now, because of this lucky streak, he’ll be around for at least another ten years.

So, I’ve been given a one week reprieve on my football hibernation. My life has a renewed purpose. Do everything I can to send some bad mojo towards the Giants and their fans. I’m going to try to watch the game with some Giants fans, just so I can enjoy seeing their heartbreak firsthand.

56-10 sounds about right for the final, though I’m hoping the Patriots opt to run up the score.

I’ll return to my hibernation on Monday.

Questions or Comments? Write me at garymacfantasygod@live.com