G.I. JOE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO BOOTCAMP

By Gary McPherson

When word broke months ago that Hollywood was making a live action G.I. Joe movie, I stood up and said that I couldn’t wait to see it, while my friends scoffed at the idea.

When trailers started hitting theaters earlier this year, I thought they looked really promising and action packed, while others still were skeptical.

When the studio decided not to screen the film for critics prior to its release, most took that as an omen that they didn’t want it being ripped before it hit theaters. Still, I stood by and said it was all part of an elaborate marketing plan and this would be a great film.

And after everything I had done to stand behind this movie and defend it to the end, this is what I get. Possibly the worst movie of the year. How could you do this to me?

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a mess of a movie. The acting is abhorrent. The script is nonsensical. And even the action scenes are below par.

Let’s start with the acting. Channing Tatum plays Duke, head good guy. Following in the long line of blond guys with flat tops and big muscles (Dolph Lundgren, Brian Bosworth, John Cena), Tatum is a waste of space. Really, truly awful.

Dennis Quaid mails in his performance as General Hawk, looking constipated in scene after scene.

Joseph Gordon Levitt (the little kid from ‘Third Rock From the Sun’) plays Cobra Commander, though you wouldn’t know it. And when I say you wouldn’t know it, I mean two things. First, you wouldn’t know it was Gordon Levitt. Second, you wouldn’t know it was Cobra Commander, because he looks nothing like the serpentine sissy that fans of the TV show know and love.

The storyline is typical Joe versus Cobra, but then the writers had to throw in a background love story about Duke and the Baroness and Cobra being her brother, who she thought was dead, but is really alive and plotting his revenge on Duke, though Duke at the beginning of the movie isn’t even part of G.I. Joe, plus Destro also loves the Baroness and don’t even get me started on Zartan. Plus, no Major Bludd?

Even the action is blasé and kind of hokey. You’d think with all the money they saved on a script that they could have gotten the action sequences down cold. Not so.

I’ve also got to say that the movie was a lot more violent than I expected, considering the producers are trying to target a young audience with their reinstated toy lines. At least five bad guys get stabbed directly in the eyes, which isn’t fun for anyone.

Upon returning from the theater, I felt the need to cleanse myself of what I had just seen, so I broke out my ‘80’s cartoon G.I. Joe DVD and watched a ‘real’ American hero. So what if nobody ever got injured despite a thousand laser blasts and countless blown up helicopters, jets and Cobra H.I.S.S. The fact is, the acting in the cartoon was superior to the acting on the screen. And nobody is more disappointed than myself.

Grade: D-