I’M SORRY BIG PAPI!!!

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I, a lifelong Red Sox fan, dealt away David Ortiz in a blockbuster deal this past week.

Not that I am a religious person. I went to a formal church once in my life, when I was 8. I went with a friend of mine to his Catholic service, purely out of curiosity. Oddly enough, my friend went on to become a flaming homosexual, coincidence or not.

I felt like I needed to ask for some kind of forgiveness because I got a terrible sense of regret after making this deal. That’s usually a very bad sign and I usually won’t make a deal if I have that ‘feeling’.

But I wasn’t able to differentiate if I felt bad about the deal because of the deal in itself, or because I was trading away probably my favorite player in the game.

After some deep introspection, which involved some meditation and a heavy dose of Nyquil, I came to the realization that the deal was a good one for me, but I still miss my Papi.

We are now in week 7 of the regular season and in case you haven’t noticed, there are some bizarre anomalies statwise throughout the league.

Cliff Lee continues a ridiculous start, tossing another shutout on Monday night. Granted, the Blue Jays were in the midst of a 30 inning scoreless drought, but still.

In 7 starts, Lee has given up just 4 earned runs and walked just 4 batters. That’s over 53.6 innings. He has given up runs in just 2 of his 7 starts. 3 against Seattle and 1 against Oakland. In his 5 other games, he has given up zero!

It’s impossible for this to continue, but Lee is for real and a final ERA in the 2’s is very possible.

On the other side of the spectrum is everybody’s favorite punching bag Johnny Cueto. Since his breakout start on April 3rd, Cueto has pitched like you would expect a rookie lefty to pitch.

In week 2 of the year I trade Cueto, Ryan Howard, Gary Sheffield and Manny Corpas for Carl Crawford, Evan Longoria, Andruw Jones and Dontrelle Willis. Even though Jones and Willis suck, that deal still looks good on my end.

Expect Cueto to be sent down for some special seasoning if he keeps going down the toilet.

Trivia Time: What do Adam Dunn, Jim Thome, Jason Giambi and Kevin Mench all have in common?

Answer: They all have more stolen bases on the year than Derek Jeter. Ha-ha.

Jeter has been a complete fantasy bust, unless you have a thing for having Captains on your squad. More power to you. We all know how important it is to have a harmonious fantasy clubhouse.

Jeter is tied with Matt Cain and Willy Aybar in home runs, with 1. Nobody said rubbing it in wasn’t fun!

It also makes a Red Sox fan happy to hear Yankees and David Wells mentioned in the same breath. Since I heard the rumor, I’ve been saying a prayer every night for it to be true. Star light, star bright…

One of the greatest feelings in the world: picking a guy up at the last minute and having him produce right away.

I plucked Freddy Sanchez off the scrap heap on Monday, just seconds before the cutoff. Sanchez than proceeds to smack a three run double. To boot, it was off my opponent’s pitcher. Hooray me!

Vicente Padilla continues to tantalize fantasy owners, but I need to tell you to stay away!! Achtung…Vicente verboten!

Padilla is a two start pitcher this week and somebody in my mixed league inevitably picked him up. Vicente wasn’t terrible in his first start Monday, but he wasn’t great either. I promise he will get torched in his second start on Sunday versus Houston. Don’t be that guy.

My four year old keeps begging me to take him to see Speed Racer. I love taking the kids to the theatre, since it’s really the only time I get to go. But I’m trying to get him to change his mind….not because everyone says the movie is lousy. If I’ll take him to see ‘Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium’, I’ll take him to see anything.

The reason I don’t want to take him is because Speed Racer is 2 hours and 15 minutes long. The attention span of a 4 year old is on par with an adult howler monkey. 135 minutes in a theatre is not going to work. Maybe I can get Uncle John to take him.

But if you are interested in seeing a cool movie, mark down May 30th on your calendar and go see this.

Somebody on the Penguins needs to step in with regards to Sidney Crosby. I love the fact that hockey players uphold the tradition of not shaving throughout the duration of the playoffs.

But have you seen Crosby’s mustache? It’s one of those things you see on the 15 year old who hangs out in back of the 7-11. All he needs is some devastating acne and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The ‘stache must go.

That being said, the Flyers don’t stand a chance. And I’m writing this before game 3 even starts. They look like a jumbled mess out there and the Penguins are just better.

I also need to say that Pittsburgh might have the ugliest chicks in the country. Have you seen the hobgoblins in the stands at these games?

Can’t they fly some hot chicks in from some other city to help those of us watching at home?

If they make the finals, I think the NHL should step in and make this happen.

I used to think that the NY football Giants had a monopoly on ugly chicks, but I guess they decided to share with the Penguins.

The NBA also needs to do something about their product. If we have another Spurs-Pistons final, I will shoot myself in the face.

And if someone has an answer as to the Celtics enigma, please let me know. The fact that this team flat out does not show up for road games is getting ridiculous. It’s not that they just lose on the road. They get destroyed and someone needs to be held accountable.

Eventually, they will lose a game at home. And when they do, I really don’t think they will be able to get even on the road.

Remember how everyone hemmed and hawed about how Minnesota never put enough talent around Kevin Garnett and that’s the reason the team never won. Poor KG. Well, maybe it wasn’t the supporting cast after all.

Southern Cal Athletic Director Mike Garrett needs to get the gate. The Reggie Bush was one thing, but OJ Mayo should never have even been allowed to step foot on that campus. The Trojans officially sold their soul when they brought him to their school. Hopefully the NCAA is consistent with doling out their penalties and don’t play favorites with USC.

In my NL only league, a trade just went through where one team got Reed Johnson and Randy Wolf, in exchange for Randy Winn. We’ll be holding a press conference on Thursday where both owners will detail the negotiations that went into this blockbuster.

Fernando Tatis is back in the bigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was good when I was 8. I’m pretty sure he was originally drafted by the Seattle Pilots.

Hey Ziliani….have you seen the Megan Fox nudie pics? You’re favorite girl is showing off for you. Too bad she’s been tainted by Brian Austin Green. Yeah, the guy from 90210.

If you didn’t jump on a depressed Robinson Cano owner, I think it might be too late. His early season swoon looks like it’s over and we missed our chance to get him at a nice value.

I haven’t watched a single moment of American Idol, never have. But if that fruity little 16 year old dude wins, I think we should be ashamed as a nation.

I think a law should be passed that if you vote for somebody on American Idol and they win, you should be forced to purchase their CD when it comes out. And that will be the only album you can listen to for a full month. Maybe then some of these people will get some taste.

If you were wise enough to listen to me and trade for Ryan Braun, you can buy me a beer next time you see me.

This week’s target….Victor Martinez. A lot of people are playing up the fact that he hasn’t hit a home run yet. You do the same. The zero home runs to date just means more that he’ll hit for you once you deal for him. He should still hit 20 on the year and they could all be yours.

Ryan Howard just struck out again.

I miss you Big Papi.