While packing my son up to leave for the day, I had a mother of one of his classmates say hello to me. So, politely enough, I said hello back. Who knew one word could set off such a firestorm.
Here is the dialogue which followed, between me and my son.
Owen: Daddy, who did you say hi too?
Me: It was just Lucas’ mom.
Owen: Well don’t do that again. You aren’t allowed to talk to her.
Me: Why not?
Owen: Because she is a girl and you aren’t allowed to talk to girls.
Me: What about Mommy and Emma?
Owen: That’s it. Mommy and Emma. No other girls.
I was being cockblocked by a four year old.
Immediately, a number of things went through my mind.
Who was putting these things in my boys head?
Is he too young to be taught the rules of being a guy? Could he grasp bro’s before ho’s?
What if he knew something that I didn’t? Did his buddy Lucas tell him something in confidence, thus prompting the reaction?
“Hey Owen…my mom thinks your dad is hot!”
What if he has some kind of super psychic ability and he knew that the two of saying hi to each other was going to lead to some crazy, animalistic love tryst.
Or maybe she was just saying hi, he was being a four year old and I’ve got an overactive imagination.
Either way, I can’t remember how old I was when I had to learn the ways of dudedom, but I’m sure I wasn’t still learning my ABC’s.
I would also like to think that I didn’t cause my Grandpop to lose a chance at getting some on the side.
Whatever the case may be, I learned a valuable lesson that day.
Don’t count on a preschooler to be your wingman.
On to this week’s YEA or NAY.
YEA: To LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth. Glad to see that these two dimwits have bought into the idiocy that is Joe Girardi. Keep on throwing at guy’s heads fellas. You still are in last place.
NAY: To the Seattle Mariners. This team is all kinds of messed up and they had better turn it around right quick. 18-30 and falling deeper and deeper in the AL West basement. They tried to shake things up, dumping Brad Wilkerson and giving top prospect Jeff Clement a shot. Then, when he doesn’t come to the majors and hit 10 home runs in his first 50 at-bats, they act surprised and send him back down.
YEA: To trading for JJ Putz. The best closer in baseball last year can be had on the cheap right now. Prime time to steal him.
NAY: To A-Rod’s continuous string of meaningless homers. He hit number 321 this week. Keep up the good work Mr. MVP.
YEA: To Andruw Jones. He’s got some torn knee cartilage, but that will happen when you weight 300 pounds and try to play center field. I put this as a YEA because I recently bought stock in FatBurger and Mr. Jones is doing his part to bump that price up.
NAY: To Dusty Baker. You would think the Reds would have done some research and seen his history with burning out young pitchers. Why won’t they step in and put Dusty in his place when it comes to Edinson Volquez? The kid’s elbow is going to look like silly string by August if he keeps on getting forced to throw 100+ pitches each outing.
YEA: To me for trading Cliff Lee when his stock was at an all time high. It’s all downhill from here. I was able to package Lee and Derek Lee for Chase Utley and Alex Rios. Toot Toot.
NAY: To Gregor Blanco’s parents. Do you think they had some personal grudge against the letter ‘Y’?
YEA: To Jorge Campillo. Who? Jorge has found himself a spot in the Braves rotation, currently competing with future HOF’ers Jo Jo Reyes and Jeff Bennett. If you need a stopgap in your rotation, Campillo has been pitching lights out. It won’t continue for long, so take it while you can.
NAY: To the Brewers. If the Brew Crew would have just ponied up the cash for Francisco Cordero, they might be in first place today. Instead, their closer situation is a landfill and they’ve lost about 7 games in the 9th inning already this year. Turn those L’s into W’s and Milwaukee would be atop the NL Central.
YEA: To this tune. Ever since I heard it, I can’t get it out of my head.
NAY: To the fact that I had to run out to CVS the other night at midnight to purchase a tube of 8 Belles….I mean glue. (too soon?)
YEA: To dealing for Mark Teixeira. If anybody ever has shown a track record for heating up in the summer months, it’s Tex. Another guy who you should try to get your mitts on, before the bat catches fire.
NAY: On Garry Sheffield. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong. I will admit it. Sheff is cooked and doesn’t deserve to be owned in mixed leagues anymore. Time to face the music. The fact that Sheff is batting third in the Tigers lineup speaks volumes as to the problems in Detroit.
YEA: To my son Owen, who while he might not want his dad to make an impression on the ladies, he certainly has no problem making a name for himself. At my daughters most recent T-Ball game, Owen spent the entire time behind the girl’s bench, flirting and joking with the older women. Finally, as a coup de grace, he felt the potty calling him. But why walk to a port-a-john? O-Money whipped it out and whizzed right behind home plate. And if you’ve ever been around a four year old going pee, you know that their drawers don’t just get pulled down a little bit. They go down to their ankles, bringing out a full moon a few hours early. Classy to the end.
NAY: To me, again. I had the opportunity to protect Matt Kemp before the season started in my mixed league, but Joe Torre and his fabulous rotating outfield scared me off. Now, I wish I had kept him, as the cream is rising to the top.
YEA: To putting Willie Randolph out of his misery. The guy is overmatched.
NAY: To the NBA. I want to watch, I really do. I am using all my mojo to get those stinking Spurs and Pistons eliminated. But no matter what I do, they just won’t go away. And if you remember something I wrote a couple weeks ago…that the Celtics would eventually lose a home game and thus be cooked….than last nights loss to the Pistons should provide the death knell. I’ve still got the Lakers. Fingers crossed.
NAY: To the San Diego Padres. If there is one team that is in worse shape than the Mariners, it’s this one. Peavy and Young are down and out. They are 11 games out of first, scoring around 3.5 runs per game. Their starting outfield is made up of a 4 man rotation between Brian Giles, Scott Hairston, Jody Gerut and Paul McAnulty. Their outfield might not combine to hit as many home runs as Ryan Howard. George Bell, Lloyd Moseby and Jesse Barfield are rolling over in their graves. And still, in Triple A, Chase Headley toils away, waiting for the call. The team wants to wait until after June 1st, but by then, it might be too late.
YEA: To a sumo wrestling match between Dmitri Young and Ryan Howard. Somebody needs to make this happen. Jean Claude Van Damme could be the referee.
YEA: To our pic of the week. Have a great Memorial Day!!! I know these two will.
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