YEA OR NAY FOR APRIL 18TH

Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a batting average snob.

It’s taken me 19 years, but I finally came to that realization this week, when I carelessly dealt away James Loney and Carlos Marmol for Pedro Feliz and John Maine.

I look at my lineups and far too often see the likes of Adam Dunn, Pat Burrell, Chris Young, Mark Ellis, Jhonny Peralta.

Nowhere to be found are Ichiro, Derek Jeter, Derek Lee, Vlad Guerrero, Placido Polanco.

This trend continued this week in the dumping of Loney in favor of Feliz.

I am still happy with the deal. Feliz should belt 30 homers and Maine WILL BE a top 10 starter by the time the year is over. I just think it funny that, looking back, I couldn’t care one iota about average.

It’s been a long week in the McPherson household. Sorry for the wait. Here we go with Yea or Nay.

YEA: To any owners who are ready to bail on Troy Tulowitzki. I’m not one of them and I’ll be the first to jump at the chance to take him from you.

NAY: To Gavin Floyd. Don’t be sucked in. This dude blows.

YEA: To my main man Pat Burrell. Brother knows a contract year when he smells it.

NAY: To Alfonso Soriano and Shane Victorino. A calf strain? Really guys? I’m saddened by your propensity to be wusses.

YEA: To the Yankees organization. Classy act burying that Red Sox jersey underneath your new stadium. Are you so starved for attention that you have to stoop to such publicity stunts? I’d like to say Hank Steinbrenner is better than that, but really, he isn’t.

NAY: To the Mariners. You gave up your entire farm system for Erik Bedard. More than the Mets gave up for Johan. Didn’t you do your homework? You had to know this guy is the real life version of the game ‘Operation’.

YEA: To playoff hockey. I’m pretty sure I watched only a tenth of a period through the entire regular season. But I can’t take my eyes off the Flyers-Caps. I think we should just hold a lottery each year…pull 16 teams from a hat and set the playoffs and away we go.

NAY: On a similar note, a nay to the NHL. The Rangers Sean Avery came up with an inventive way of disrupting the goalie. Instead of standing in the crease with his back to the goalie, Avery stood facing him and pissed Martin Brodeur off to no end. A day later, the league passed a rule outlawing this. God forbid the NHL allows one of its players to do something inventive and colorful. Should Avery have gotten his ass beaten? Heck yeah. Should what he did be outlawed? No way.

YEA: Mike Knuble just scored the game winner. I’m Flyered up!

NAY: To Alexander Ovechkin. Nice vanishing act.

YEA: To Cliff Lee. Remember him? Lee was a top prospect who went 32-13 in 2004-05. Injuries sidetracked him in ’07, but he looks like he’s back with a vengeance. 12-1 strikeout to walk ratio in his first two starts. He’s only 29….giddyup.

NAY: To writing an article with your kids in the room. I’m one of those guys who writes off the cuff, basically rambling. If I’m at the computer, I’ll type whatever thoughts pass through my head. This is no lie, I actually wrote this the other day.

‘Andruw Jones has brought the plague to Los Angeles. Anyone who thought last year was a fluke is way wrong. Owen, what the hell is wrong with you? ***dammit, stay out of the refrigerator!’

I need to get myself an office. That or start doing this at the library.

YEA: To Manny Ramirez. People say bad stuff about Manny, like he’s dumb and spacey. Really, I’m starting to think that’s just his way of shrugging off attention. The last thing Manny is would be stupid. The Sox hold a team option for Manny in 2009. If he jacks 40 bombs this year, can they really not pick that up? Believe me, Manny is no dummy. He sure as heck is odd, but don’t confuse that with stupidity.

NAY: To the Nats. Do you realize they’ve only played 7 home games and they are already having problems getting people in the seats. At least Montreal could blame their putrid attendance on the French Canadians. So much for the theory of if you build it, they will come.

YEA: To Chipper Jones and John Smoltz. Even Phillies fans have to tip their caps to these two guys, who have been doing it year after year after year. In the past three years, Chipper’s batting average has been .324, .337, and now .443! Interesting fact: despite playing in numerous fantasy leagues, Chipper has never once been on any of my rosters. Just driving home my point.

NAY: To Comcast for getting rid of Nick Gas. I can live without ‘Get The Picture’, but I sure do miss ‘Legends of the Hidden Temple’ and ‘GUTS’. You can keep NFL Network, I need my Gas!!!

YEA: To Prince Fielder, who finally decided to hit a homer on Thursday. This vegetarian thing ain’t working big guy. Go get yourself a Baconator!!!!!

NAY: To Phil Hughes. Dude, you are killing me.

YEA: To Randy Johnson’s triumphant return to the mound. 7 K’s are fine, but the Unit needs to cool it with the free passes. The important thing is he feels good. The control will come in time. He just needs to stay out there.

NAY: To kids birthday parties. Was every single kid born in the spring or what? My daughter was invited to two parties between October and February. Now, there is one every stinking weekend. The one this weekend is going to have a giant inflatable moonbounce. I’m going to annihilate that thing.

YEA: To R.A. Dickey. Somebody told me his initials stand for Really Ample. I’m still trying to confirm this.

NAY: To people in your leagues who are just plain lazy. In my one league, I decided I wanted to put feelers out for Ryan Howard. I spoke to one guy on the phone and this is how the conversation went.

“Hey man, I’m looking to move Howard. Any interest.”

“Nah.”

Oh, so you have zero interest in a guy who is going to hit 45-50 homers and drive in 125? I can understand if a deal doesn’t work, but to just say ‘nah’ makes me cringe. Okay, best of luck with Adam LaRoche.

YEA: To “Sweeney Todd”. Johnny Depp is the best actor alive and I just love a good musical. Wait…

NAY: To Kevin Love, the UCLA freshman who has decided to leave school to join the NBA draft. Think JJ Reddick, only whiter. If he can average 5 points a game next year, I’ll eat my laptop. Fans of Kevin better be sure to tune into the NBA draft, because that might be the last time you see him where he won’t be sitting on the end of the bench with his tracksuit on.

YEA: To the Knicks for relieving Isiah Thomas of his coaching duties, but reassigning him to another position within the organization. Because we all know, if there is anybody who was dealt a lousy hand and deserves a second shot, it’s Isiah.

NAY: To escalators at Shea stadium. Apparently, this was the second time somebody was killed inside that dump. If I ever hear another Met fan say how horrible the Vet was, I’ll punch him in his misshapen head. The only thing that ever died in the Vet were the hopes and dreams of millions of Philly fans.

YEA: To Steve McNair. It’s nice to see an athlete only take 3 years to realize he is washed up and should be put out to pasture. Usually it’s a much longer and more painful process.

How bad do you have to be to be a starting quarterback in the NFL, yet go undrafted in nearly every fantasy league? Each year, there’s one or two of those guys. McNair was a member of that organization. NFL coaches should take note. If a guy can’t get drafted in fantasy, he shouldn’t be your starter.

And how old does it make you feel when guys start to retire that you can clearly remember in college and then getting drafted? It seemed like just yesterday that McNair was running and gunning for Alcorn State. Now he’s being put out to pasture. My gray hairs just doubled. (but at least they didn’t fall out)

NAY: To the NFL for giving the Browns like 8 primetime games. I feel sorry for Cleveland fans because you know that this just absolutely jinxed the hell out of your season. If the Browns win 6 this year it will be a miracle.

YEA: To the remaining Survivor contestants. Smart move getting rid of Ozzy, but have you ever seen anyone as conniving and manipulative as Cirie? She couldn’t win a challenge if it was covered in ice cream, but if she wants you gone, you will be.

NAY: To Big Papi. I love you man, but what up? And you fans who are booing better shut your mouths. If anybody deserves leniency, it’s him.

YEA: To your mom.

NAY: To ‘Made of Honor’. Guys, make sure you are busy the weekend this movie comes out. Trust me!!

NAY: To Justin Germano. I like the ERA and WHIP dude, but 6 strikeouts in 20 innings? Weak.

YEA: To Kyle Lohse. He’s pitching lights out for St. Louis. Chances are he won’t keep it up, but he’s making the Phillies regret that they didn’t resign him.

NAY: A big fat nay for the Atlanta and Cleveland bullpens. I don’t know where to begin with these situations. At least the Indians have Rafael Betancourt, but who knows if he can close. Something makes me think he might not have the mental makeup, since they held onto Bum Borowski for so long. And in Atlanta, good god. Buddy Carlyle pitched the 9th on Thursday. It was a non-save situation, but still, he was the guy who finished the game, while Manny Acta pitched the 8th.

YEA: To Homer Bailey and Luke Hochevar. Get ready, because these guys are coming. Don’t miss the boat.

NAY: Lastly, a humongous NAY to doing what I did this week. I woke one night in a cold sweat, trembling from a nightmare. My wife heard my sobs and asked what was wrong. I told her I just had a nightmare where she was pregnant.

Note to all guys….if you ever have this nightmare, don’t tell your wife. Say you were being chased by a dinosaur or something. I should have been smarter and known this, but I she caught me at a moment of weakness. She’s going to hold that over my head until I go to the grave.

Enjoy Johan and Cole tonight! Hopefully somebody gets beaned and these two teams start walking the walk, instead of just talking the talk.